Kristi's Story: A Daughter's Perspective on Hope After Parents' Divorce

I used to look down on the families that didn’t seem like they had it all together. I had the perfect family. I had parents who loved each other, and a sister who I accepted I would be stuck with. And then I watched my life unravel. I remember walking into church the Sunday after my dad left and being overwhelmed by countless looks of pity, daunting questions like “How are you doing?” and responses like “I’m so sorry”. They were all trying to help, but I was trying to forget. I wanted everything to stay the same. They meant well—but I was embarrassed. From that point on, I hated the church. It used to be a place where I felt like I belonged but I began to feel judged where I used to feel accepted. On top of that, my mom decided to stop homeschooling me and Katie, and put us in secondary school. 

In the span of two years, I lost my perfect family, my friends and my church. I lost my identity. I was completely powerless to stop the changes that I never asked for but kept happening. I felt like my life wasn’t my own. I couldn’t control anything that was happening, and no one seemed to be telling me the whole story. 

Since I was 10 when it happened, I think everyone forgot that I didn’t know the full story. There’s something uniquely helpless about having to be told your own story. You’re at the mercy of others’ memories, biases, and motives. To have to sit down and ask both of your parents separately at the age of 20 to tell you the full story is extremely painful—especially when you realize that you don’t know that much about your own story. 

This summer, through talking to my mom, I started remembering things that had always confused me. I have painful memories of dinners when my dad wanted to come back to the family so we all went out together. But no one told me what was happening. So I thought they were getting back together. Each time, when my dad ended up not coming back to our family, I was more confused. 

As difficult as this time was for me, I learned a lot from it. Looking back, I’m grateful for the lessons it taught me and the person it forced me to be. Three things in particular have stuck out to me. I’ve always heard that difficult situations can either turn you away from God or towards God, but I learned that sometimes they do both. For the first few years after the divorce, I turned away from God. But God used that same situation to turn me back to him a couple of years later. If you have been or are going through suffering, it’s never too late to turn back to God.  

I also learned that suffering can force you to confront yourself. Even before the divorce, I hated change. I liked to pretend that everything was perfect. After the divorce, I quickly realized I couldn’t keep pushing everything down. I became bitter and depressed in middle school, angry at the world. Even after my circumstances got better externally, I was still inexplicably angry. When I was fifteen, I finally decided to see a counsellor. I had to face everything I had been running from for almost five years. As hard as that was, it changed me. Not just because I became less bitter, but because I no longer run away from my feelings. I’m not afraid of them anymore. 

The most important thing I’ve learned is something I’m still learning—restoration is important if it’s possible. As painful as it was for me to sit down and talk to both of my parents about something that happened a decade ago, there was more healing in those conversations than I could have ever expected. I know that that’s not a possibility in a lot of situations, but if it is, it’s worth it. I thought I had worked through everything that happened with the divorce—and, for the most part, I had. But I didn’t work through restoring relationships that had inevitably been broken. The first time I talked to my dad about the divorce was two years ago, nearly eight years after it happened. Before that conversation, I didn’t realize how broken my relationship with my dad was. Reflecting on our relationship now, I regret not confronting him sooner. It may seem like it’s not worth it, or that it’s too much work, or that it’s pointless. But it’s none of those things.  

This short testimony is written by one of Vaneetha Risner’s daughters. Vaneetha has written a book for those experiencing the heartache of divorce—their own or a loved one's—called This Was Never the Plan. Grab a copy of the book to find comfort and honest, compassionate guidance rooted in God’s word and based on personal experience.