Getting to grips with cyber self-harm

Her hands trembled as she typed the words. She took a breath and paused before pressing "enter". But soon her question was visible to all ..."Do you like me?"

She had been bullied at school that day. She had been bullied the night before over social media. And within minutes the barrage of abuse began again. "As if". "I hate you". "No-one will ever like you". The comments came thick and fast. Some in English, some in the new text speak that those of us in our 40s are largely too old to comprehend, but all laced with hate. Soon she was in tears. Soon she was curled up on her bed repeating the words of torment to herself: no-one will ever like me.

It's not new for teenagers to be cruel to one another. It's not new for human beings to be mean. That has been going on since the fall of Genesis 3. It's moderately new for that cruelty to take place in cyberspace - a medium that never sleeps, never leaves space for respite. But what's really new is the way a small number of young people are using cyberspace to induce a context for virtual self-harm.

For some teens, posting comments such as "do you like me?" on discussion boards and social media sites isn't a search for identity, nor is it casual conversation nor even attention-seeking behaviour. For a few it is a deliberate attempt to self-harm in ways that help them deal with the pain of life. Sound confusing? I'm no expert on things technological but let me attempt to unpick what can be going on because those of us in youth leadership or positions of pastoral responsibility can't afford to be left behind.

Katie is wracked with shame. She has been abused by an older relative and feels dirty. She is a victim of a predator who has made her do things that she knows are wrong but she's conscious that she's never really fought back. She just lets him manipulate her into doing terrible acts. And for that, she feels she needs to take responsibility. For that, she feels she needs to be punished... In classic self-harm, she might choose to hit herself or burn herself. Such things cause physical pain but bring temporary emotional relief as "justice is seen to be done" and the feelings of guilt ebb away. The punishment is not necessary from God's persective (or from any objective human perspective) but from the hurting young person's perspective, inflicting pain reduces the emotional swell of guilt within and helps them to keep going amid the awfulness of life. In cyber self-harm, a young person (or indeed, not so young person) may deliberately provoke abuse from peers online in order to induce that same sense of self-punishment. The torrent of verbal abuse feels awful but it is just that awfulness which acts as self-punishment and helps the feelings of guilt and shame disapate for a little while at least.

That's just one example - it's certainly not the experience of all who use cyber self-harm to address deep emotional confusion - but hopefully it's one that gives a tiny glimpse into the hidden and confusing world that is going largely un-noticed by adults.

Which all kind of begs the question ... what can we do about it? A blog post can only ever scratch the surface of such things but here are a few thought-starters.

1. Let's be aware of cyber self-harm. If you're a leader doing a talk to young people or a parent chatting naturally to your teenage kids, drop it into conversation or an illustration in ways that are gentle and calm, so that the young people you're around know that you know. They may not want to talk about it. They quite possibly don't need to talk about it. But they will appreciate knowing that there is someone they can talk to about it in the future.
2. Let's make sure our young people really understand God and understand grace. A right understanding of the character of God and his saving gifts to his children, an understanding that extends beyond mere doctrine and actually impacts daily decisions, is quite frankly transformational. Sometimes we prioritise seeking self-identity. That's not unimportant but self-knowledge that flows from profound God-knowledge is far more informative and far more grounded and change-inducing than merely answering the "who am I?" and "what's the world like?" questions.
3. Let's be prayerful about the way technology is used in our family and our church family. And let's be explicit about the fact that our technology must never be used to hurt others, not even ourselves - because that is not what God would want for or from his children.
4. Let's be proactive in our pastoral care of any we know who have recently - or in the past - experienced profound hurt. If you want to be equipped for that, why not check out our college's Pastoral Care course or dip into something like, Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands?
5. Let's make sure we know our young people well enough for them to trust us and confide in us if the worst should happen. And let's make sure we have a relationship with them that is firmly grounded in a desire to get to know Jesus more. That will mean spending time with them, listening to them and talking to them. That's not always easy. But it is always worth it.