I can clearly remember the day when I gave up on the internet parenting experts. Two of my friends—both great Christians and great mothers—shared different articles on social media on the topic of children’s obedience. The only problem was that the articles had exactly opposite messages. One article said that parents should expect their children to obey them the first time; the other claimed that young children’s brains are incapable of comprehending and obeying our instructions the first time we say them. So what was I to do? Should I start demanding first-time obedience? Or should I start patiently repeating my instructions until the children obeyed?
In that moment I realised that the internet was actually making parenting harder. I had begun to feel like there was a little parenting expert sitting on my shoulder all day, questioning my every move. I felt constantly guilty, unqualified and confused.
In previous generations, parents simply did their best with the limited information they had. There were only one or two parenting books to consult; parents worked the rest out themselves through observation and experience. But raising children in the age of information is a completely different experience; we suffer from a bad case of information overload.
Firstly, it makes us feel guilty for all the ways that we are falling short as parents. Every article we read reminds us of yet another thing that we should be doing for our children. The more we know, the more responsible we feel to provide the best for them.
Secondly, all the expert advice makes us lose confidence: we start to feel unqualified for the task of raising our own children. We stop trusting in ourselves to make parenting decisions and become dependent on the “experts.”
Thirdly, reading internet articles makes us confused, since so much of the advice we read conflicts. Whatever we choose to do, there is someone somewhere who claims that we’re doing it all wrong.
So how can we stay sane in the age of information overload?
When my husband and I were feeling confused as parents, a wise friend suggested that we write down our family’s values. It was really helpful to stop and ask ourselves: What are the most important things we want to pass on to our children? What kind of people do we want to raise? What kind of family do we want to be?
When we read too many internet articles, we can get bogged down in the tiny details of our children’s lives and forget what we’re actually aiming for in the long-term. So it’s good to establish a clear framework of values before we start reading. When we focus on the most important things first, the other things will fall into line behind.
Once we have a clear idea of what we are aiming for in our parenting, we can choose to read only those articles that will help us to get there.
For instance, we might choose to read an article on “How to raise grateful children” but skip over an article about “How to raise a future millionaire”; we might seek advice on “How to teach children to share” but not on “How to teach children to ski.”
The problem with the internet is that it is full of short, catchy articles floating around without a context. These articles are designed to be read quickly and easily; they address only one issue and do so without much depth or complexity. When you read too many articles, it becomes impossible to fit them all together into a cohesive and consistent vision for parenting.
In my experience, reading a whole parenting book is a much better strategy. In a book, you come to understand the author’s rationale: they answer not just the superficial “how to” questions but also the more significant questions of why they recommend something. Reading a good book (such as those listed below) should raise your confidence by helping you establish your own framework—your vision and values—for parenting.
Once we have worked out our parenting priorities, we can confidently make our own decisions, rather than constantly deferring to experts. We can choose NOT to read every article or book we come across!
We can start to “read” our children instead: Are they becoming the kind of people we want them to become? Are they learning the attitudes and skills we believe are important? Is our parenting having a positive impact on them? Do we need to change our approach?
When we stop reading, we become the experts on our own children!
At a time when I was feeling particularly overloaded with expert information and advice, I turned to the Bible for guidance. Its timeless wisdom was a welcome relief from the frantic “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” that were swirling around me. Its ancient truths about God and humanity became a firm foundation on which I could build my parenting. The Bible helped me and my husband to establish our family’s values in line with God’s values.
One of the most encouraging promises I read in the Bible was this one:
“If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.” (James 1:5)
What modern parents need most is not more information, but wisdom from God to choose the best path for our family.
I have written a book to help modern parents build their “big picture” framework for parenting based on the Bible’s wisdom. It’s called Big Picture Parents: Ancient Wisdom for Modern Life and you can buy it here.
Some other good books are:
Harriet Connor is the author of Big Picture Parents: Ancient Wisdom for Modern Life (Wipf and Stock, 2017). She lives near Sydney, Australia, with her husband—an Anglican minister—and their three sons. She has degrees in languages and theology (Sydney Missionary and Bible College). You can find all Harriet’s articles at www.harrietconnor.com.