Perspectives

I'm tired. It's been a tough day at work. The to-do list is calling. And the meal isn't going to cook itself. All I want is a quiet night. Every bone in my body is screaming for a few moments of peace. And just then, the phone explodes into action. I'm not talking about a pleasant "dinner invitation" phonecall - I'm talking "one of those" phonecalls. One of those circular calls of desperation.

It's not that I don't love my friends with severe mental health struggles - I am privileged to have them in my life - but the phonecalls, oh the phonecalls can be so hard. The suicidal intentions that are no longer an isolated act of desperation but a daily topic of conversations; the irrational arguments that involve dragging the reputation of others through the mud or the wild tangents that are almost impossible to follow - these are the fodder of the recurring conversations that can easily last an hour or more unless boundaries are put down (and a "you don't really care about me" rant risked).

I long to point my friends to Jesus but sometimes I don't have the words. Sometimes I find it hard to keep praying the prayers that just never seem to be answered. There are days when I can't do it. My energy, my ideas, my patience have run completely dry. So I hide. I pretend I'm not in. I leave the phone unanswered. I rehearse excuses, ready for the next conversation. And then get hit by a wave of guilt. Jesus would have answered the phone, I muse ... He would have kept on loving.

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I haven't left the house all week. I've wanted to speak to someone since I first awoke at 5am but there's no-one around. The drugs aren't working. My social worker is on leave. And the emotions swirling around my head are getting impossible to handle. I know you're busy. I know I'm not part of your family but I have no family of my own. I've been waiting for 13 hours, waiting for one of my church friends to get home from work. And I can't hold on any longer. I'm desperate for some human contact, something to encourage me through my awful day. I know I keep saying the same things time and again, I know they are hard to hear but they are harder to feel and to say anything else would be to pretend that I am feeling something that I am not. And I want to be real with you because you are my friend.

I know you're hiding in your kitchen - I'm not stupid. I know there are days when you leave me alone because you are tired. I don't believe the excuses about the late train or accidentally leaving your phone on silent but I play along because I don't have many friends. And I do love you, I am grateful for those moments you do give me, I'd be in a much worse state without you.

I just wish you'd give me a few moments each day. A simple prayer would suffice. Yes, I would prefer something longer but I will take whatever you can spare. You have your health, your family, your career, your social life, your faith and service at church. I have nothing except a fleeting awareness that God is holding on to me - just.

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God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. - Psalm 46:1

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. - Isaiah 41:10

The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. - Psalm 18:2

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. - Ephesians 1:3

Now may the God of peace, who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep, equip you with everything good for doing his will, and may he work in us what is pleasing to him, through Jesus Christ, to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen. - Hebrews 13:20-21

And let us consider how we may spur one another on towards love and good deeds - Hebrews 10:24